Yesterday morning I woke up before the alarm. Numerous times actually. I didn't know what the day would turn out to be like and I admit, I was nervous. Raya was excited though. I woke her up and told her it was time to go the Dr. She loved that she could wear her pajamas!!
Everyone was so nice at the hospital. She received more attention than she could handle...almost! We were moved from one waiting area to another and then to another... Different staff popped in to each area to ask different questions and to have different forms signed. Before I knew it I was laying her down on a little white bed and she was staring up at 4 complete strangers. :( The fear in her eyes was almost more than I could handle. She squeezed my hand with her little fingers and I rubbed her head. The anesthetist put a mask on her face and her eyes were locked on mine. Her eyelids got heavy and I leaned in to kiss her cheek. I prayed in her ear as her breathing got heavy and her arms and legs began to move around. The nurse told me I had to go. The anesthetist said "just let mom give her one more kiss" and I did. I said one more prayer in her ear, wiped my tears and left the room.
SO HARD.
I went to the bathroom and sang
God in her living
There in her breathing
God in her waking
God in her sleeping
God in her resting
There in her working
God in her thinking
God in her speaking
BE HER EVERYTHING
God in her hoping
There in her dreaming
God in her watching
God in her waiting
God in her laughing
There in her weaping
God in her hurting
God in her healing
BE HER EVERYTHING
I'm so thankful for His promise to us that He will never leave us. I was worried about her, but I didn't need to be. Her creator was right there with her...does it get any better than that? GOD was with her....and He was with me too.
After arriving back home we had a difficult day. Raya did sleep and just as they had told me she was grumpy and 'drunklike' for most of the day. Today wasn't much better so I'm hoping that putting her to bed tonight shortly after 6 will place a positive spin on tomorrow.
I've been asked a few times "How long until you know something?"
I'm supposed to call in two weeks to make an appointment. I'll probably wait until after Christmas. I don't really need to know anything before now and the new year. I don't really want her results tied to Christmas in any way. This is a time to celebrate the birth of Christ!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
My Beanie!
My day has been a complete write off since I got the call from the Childrens Hospital saying they'd like to move Raya's MRI to TOMORROW morning at 8am.
It was booked for Tuesday the 15th and though it's only a week sooner, I'm not ready. I kinda just panicked and have done nothing all day but 'think'. Next week my mom was going to come and stay with the other two. Chris would meet me at the hospital to help pass the time. I'd be able to come home and spend the rest of the day comforting Raya and caring for her and making sure all her needs were met without the distraction of everyone else. Now what? Chris is sick. My mom is to busy with work. Chris's parents are comfortable at home and his mom is weak with an illness right now. It sucks. It feels like what was going to be a big giant effort and sacrifice on the part of many that love her is now left in my lap for me to deal with on my own. I feel like I'm facing this dark day alone without support, even though I know it's not true.
No matter the results of the MRI, it changes *us*. If the results are good it changes things. If there are not so good, it changes things. Once we know what we are dealing with we will need to research and plan and do whatever we can to make her joyous life the best and easiest it can be. ! What doesn't change is how much I LOVE HER!!!
I'm thankful for our friends that have called and offered to help. Unfortunately it's hard because I need to leave at 6:45am and that's much to early to drop my kids off at anyones house. Thanks for calling to offer support. It means SO much to us!!!!!
Please pray for peace and comfort for Raya tomorrow. I'm sure it's harder on me than on her. She has no idea about any of it....and it's good that way!
It was booked for Tuesday the 15th and though it's only a week sooner, I'm not ready. I kinda just panicked and have done nothing all day but 'think'. Next week my mom was going to come and stay with the other two. Chris would meet me at the hospital to help pass the time. I'd be able to come home and spend the rest of the day comforting Raya and caring for her and making sure all her needs were met without the distraction of everyone else. Now what? Chris is sick. My mom is to busy with work. Chris's parents are comfortable at home and his mom is weak with an illness right now. It sucks. It feels like what was going to be a big giant effort and sacrifice on the part of many that love her is now left in my lap for me to deal with on my own. I feel like I'm facing this dark day alone without support, even though I know it's not true.
No matter the results of the MRI, it changes *us*. If the results are good it changes things. If there are not so good, it changes things. Once we know what we are dealing with we will need to research and plan and do whatever we can to make her joyous life the best and easiest it can be. ! What doesn't change is how much I LOVE HER!!!
I'm thankful for our friends that have called and offered to help. Unfortunately it's hard because I need to leave at 6:45am and that's much to early to drop my kids off at anyones house. Thanks for calling to offer support. It means SO much to us!!!!!
Please pray for peace and comfort for Raya tomorrow. I'm sure it's harder on me than on her. She has no idea about any of it....and it's good that way!
Sunday, December 06, 2009
D & G
two precious babes with a place in my heart.
forever.
i didn't get to meet you, your lives were cut short.
you are with our Father and safe in His loving arms.
i think of you.
so often.
i wonder what life would be like with you in it.
comfort is found in remembering that one day i will see you.
hold you.
squeeze you.
chase you.
tickle you.
kiss you.
forever.
i didn't get to meet you, your lives were cut short.
you are with our Father and safe in His loving arms.
i think of you.
so often.
i wonder what life would be like with you in it.
comfort is found in remembering that one day i will see you.
hold you.
squeeze you.
chase you.
tickle you.
kiss you.