I've got so much going through my head these days that I just can't seem to focus on ANYTHING!! I wander around the house doing nothing because it all seems overwhelming...should I work, clean, pack, purge, do Raya's therapy, play with the kids, research appliances...my list is endless!
My number one thing that HAS to get done is my work...that has deadlines that have to be met and if they aren't, I don't get paid, which means bills don't get paid...which isn't good. My work is so mundane though and it just gives me time to think and then I get overwhelmed.
Yesterday was an emotionally overwhelming day with respect to Raya. I received a letter from the neurology clinc stating she "doesn't qualify for their services" which sucks because they haven't even seen her yet. Then her OT came over and noticed Raya staring off into space which she does from time to time. She gets a glazed over look for anywhere from 30 seconds to roughly 2 minutes. I've never paid much attention but apparently these could be "mini seizures". Her OT noticed it right away when it happened and started asking a bunch of questions. I just always assumed with seizures, the child would be shaking. Well, her pediatric appt is on May 11 and so I'll run it all past him....which will probably lead to another referral. I really was supposed to work last night but I just couldn't. I went and knelt at her bed and prayed, and cried and prayed.... I just KNOW God has a great plan for her and I NEED to trust in Him, her creator and father. (so much easier to say and to type than to LIVE...but I'm working at it)
On a totally different note....ever since Chris and I have been married, he's often brought up the topic of "missions". I've always shy'd away from the topic. It made me really uncomfortable. He would just end the conversations usually with "Well, if you felt called to go serve somewhere else would you". Of course I'd always say "yes" but inside I was hoping it would NEVER happen. Chris now works for Samaritans Purse and we have the opportunity to hear first hand of various needs that aren't being met and things that need to be done around the world. They have missionaries in the office all the time giving updates of what is going on in the areas that they minister in. I've now got a daughter with a heart and passion to tell the world about Christ. I'm about to start homeschooling in 6 months. I don't know where or why or how but in this whole "house building" process I've been very content and not really becoming to *attached*. I always thought that building a house for our family would have an "emotional" side to it! Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about it and loving it and having fun picking it all out and I'm definately going to love living in it. It all seems so right but so materialistic at the same time. I finally said to Chris the other night
"you know, I don't think this house is going to be ours for long"
he replied saying "really, how come?"
"well, because I feel like we are going to be asked to leave it behind"
"I do too"
"really? like I'm talking about going overseas to Serve somehow"
"ya, I know...me too" he said
So, really....what used to totally freak me out is now becoming a longing....Lord SEND ME!!! It's not really a matter of "if" but more "when". Maybe it will never happen but my heart is ready to go if it is and I'll just continue to pray that we (as a family) continue to desire to serve Him where-ever we are) It's another 180 for me as the homeschooling was....not explainable (so don't ask questions, I don't have the answers)
On another side note...I've been really missing my brother and his wife lately. We aren't super close in relationship or distance but they've been going through some rough times and are on my mind alot. I've put their wedding song on my playlist...it's such a great 'love' song. It's the Bebo Norman one if you want to have a listen.
Well....now that I have that all off my chest, maybe I can get some work done. Say a prayer for our family and especially for Raya-bean before you log off :)
6 comments:
You can always call your brother on skype. I hear he has plenty of time to lay around the house right now.
Although maybe call on the phone first, because I usually don't have skype open.
I will pray for Raya for sure! God does have great plans for her, although they may never be revealed to you ;)
Funny you should say that about the house and missions. We said the exact same things moving into our house. We have a pretty strong feeling we'll be called to leave our home and do something we never thought we would!
Oh my Raya...she is so precious. It's easy to carry on with mundane and daily routines, living a kind of selfish life (talking about me more than anyone else) and then something will stop us in our tracks and make us re-evaluate what is really important and valued and what should be our purpose. We take so much for granted. On my mirror is a little card I was given years ago and I just found it again...
"Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together can't handle". Love and prayers. mom.
Nikki, you, Chris and the kids have been on our prayer list for a while, so I will definitely add Raya and the missions decisions to our prayer request list!
Hey. Seizures are something we are pretty sure we'll have to deal with someday. I think she had an absence seizure a week back. I just talked to the nurse who works for our neurologist yesterday and she said next time it happens try touching her on her nose and that is a sign if it is a seizure or not. I've got a whole sheet on the different kinds of seizures and what to do from our neurologist if you want me to type it out and email it to you. Why did they say they couldn't see her at neurology clinic? Has she had any cat scans or mris??? I'm learning so much lately on different diagnosis' :) Love you and lots of prayers!
Your blog made me cry today. My heart aches for you and your family and I wish I was there to listen and be with you. I know how frustrating it is to have a beautiful child that presents you with challenges that you can not understand right away. I know Evan was sent to us for a reason but it still makes the journey of learning and loving hard at times.
Know we are thinking and praying for you.
XXXOOOOO
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