Surviving the next few days...

Well, it has been a while since I posted. We haven't taken many pictures lately and that has to change! Hopefully soon I will have something worth posting.

The past few days have been really hard for me as we look upon Raya's first birthday which is coming up on Monday. I am an emotional person and these milestone dates make me reflect back to why we celebrate (christmas, easter, birthdays, weddings etc). I am the type of person that looks back at what I was doing the year before at this exact moment and relive it in my mind. I am trying not to do that right now but I am constantly fearing reliving Raya's birth and first fews days. I try not to think about it but I can't get it out of my mind. It is supposed to be such a happy time right now but to be honest my heart is aching. I still can't even look at pictures of her in the hospital without shaking and crying. It was the hardest time of my life and while the turn out was an amazing miracle it is really hard to reflect on still. I have incredible feelings of guilt that creep up on me because I wasn't beside her 24/7 when she was so helpless. I know she doesn't remember but I can't fight the feelings sometimes. It was so hard to watch her with all the tubings and iv's and to leave her bedside to come home was heart wrenching. We didn't ever know what we would come in to the next morning. Would she be worse, or better?? Thankfully we had more of the betters but the times when she had dropped left were hardly bearable. Leaving the hospital was never pleasant but having to put on a happy face for Hallie so she wouldn't worry was nearly equally hard. My mind keeps replaying the things that the neonatalogist had told me the morning after Raya was born when she had to be recessitated. I don't know how I survived that converstation on my own. Hearing that my babys blood vessels closed and that she turned bright blue and had to be recessitated, that she was now intubated and I couldn't see her.....God was obviously very present and gave me faith to manage. I remember our pastor sitting beside me and after praying for Raya saying that if it was a life or death situation Raya wouldn't be here, she would be transferred to the Foothills if her life was in danger. And then minutes later, seeing the neonatologist come in to tell me they were taking Raya to the Foothills. I also remember leaving her at night and coming in the next day to find her all packaged up and being sent back to the Rocky View. I remember them saying it would be at least 10 days before she could come home and then 3 days later leaving the parkade with her in the back of the van! GOD IS SOOOO GOOD!
I think that Raya's birthday will always be hard for me but hopefully it will get easier as the years go on. Don't get me wrong, I am very HAPPY and GRATEFUL and that is why I am having a hard time with these feelings. I should be jumping for joy and hopefully when Monday May 29,2006 comes I will look to the future and not the past!

Thank you to all of you that were there for us when this was going on. Your prayers pulled us through it and we felt incredibly loved in the process.

Abuela- you came up to stay with Hallie and were a HUGE support for us. You cleaned and cooked and played. You encouraged us and stood by our decisions. You were our cook, nanny, housekeeper and errand runner.
Abuelo-you came up to meet our precious angel the moment you heard she was born
Auntie Cheremi and Uncle James- you came for the birth, you cleaned my house, you called every day to make sure I was okay, you cried with me, you prayed for us and you loved us
Uncle Jesse and Auntie Natasha- you supported us in prayer and sent flowers to brighten our home
Grandma and Grandpa Nieboer- you came to help and do whatever you could to make life easier. You took care of Hallie and made dinners for us...not to mention the prayers
Auntie Barb and Uncle Ryan- you cleaned all of our carpets!!!!!! and prayed your hearts out
Auntie Bev- you came to help during my postpardum depression...thank you thank you...and you helped potty train Hallie.

The rest of you, including our friends and church family, did amazing things as well. We didn't have to cook for a month, we received gifts for both kids, some of you watched Hallie for us and others encouraged and prayed for us...too many things to mention. THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTED US!

She's Mastered the Art of Stairs

If we can't find Raya we know where to look....she is heading upstairs to experience some freedom. She loves to climb the stairs and is really good at it. She hasn't fallen....yet, although I am really nervous about it. We have gates at the top of the stairs but not in the basement so it's wide open for her to climb. Perfect for a monkey like her.







Like the teeth!! More on the way.



She fooled me the other day and was hiding in the entertainment unit...Man, we had it easy with Hallie.

A new kind of Crazy

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch nursing Raya and the living room window was open. I could here this guy talking really loudly for a few minutes before he was in my line of vision. He stopped in front of my yard and I was waiting for his kids to catch up to him, but they didn't. He kept talking and I couldn't see anyone or anything around. I eventually stood up and saw...I am not kidding you...TWO farrets on my lawn that were on leashes. Buddy was walking his farrots (or how ever you spell that). I have often thought my mom (along with other dog owners) was a little crazy for talking to her dogs so much and treating them as though they were children, but this, this takes the cake by a long shot!!! This guy had two little tiny weasel things on a string and was talking like I would talk to Hallie and Raya. Then, here is the kicker, he picks them up and shoves them in this little tiny cooler thing (with a mesh door so they can see and breath) to carry them across the street. I called for Chris to take a picture but by the time he got the camara out it was too late. Hallie saw them and thinks they'd be great pets...ha ha. Just the thought of it makes Chris shake....me too truthfully.